//essays//
Fall 2021
Fall 2021
A Winter Proposal (Satire)
Daniel Meadvin
Last spring, the Columbia College Student Council spearheaded a program to provide self-identified low-income students with, among other college essentials, Apple AirPods. Are there other, less-expensive headphone alternatives available? Certainly. Could it be said that giving out free AirPods to students was excessive? Many have said as much. What these naysayers fail to understand, however, is how awful it feels to know that so many of your friends have AirPods while you have none. Plain and simple, it’s impossible to walk around Columbia’s campus and not see those pearly white buds resting in the ears of countless student passersby. I supported the Council’s initiative but feel they did not go far enough. This opinion piece is intended to call-out another culprit of wealth filtering on our campus: the Canada Goose.
According to Wikipedia: "The Canada goose is a large wild goose with a black head and neck, white cheeks, white under its chin, and a brown body. It is native to the arctic and temperate regions of North America, and it is occasionally found during migration across the Atlantic in northern Europe.” But, far more relevant to us, Canada Goose is also an iconic brand of luxury winter coats.
We can all relate to this experience: trotting onto College Walk on the first really cold day of winter to find a great gaggle of Canada Geese. Some of us dash back to our dorms or apartments, grabbing our own parkas and joining the flock. Others continue somberly to class, braving the chill in our thin, cotton-lined puffers. It’s absurd; it’s unjust; it’s no longer just the international students. Why should some of us wear a $950 dollar piece of functional art while others suffer in a $95 piece of glorified polyester? This is a problem that needs solving, and it needs solving imminently.
Thus, I present my winter proposal to bring back the program that brought us all AirPods, but––this time––with Canada Goose. It’s quite simple: every student who can demonstrate their status as unable to afford a Canada Goose (which, of course, is evident by their not owning a Canada Goose, because anyone who can have a Canada Goose does have a Canada Goose) will be eligible for a free winter coat of that esteemed brand. Don’t think I’m crazy; the proposal in its current iteration would only offer entry-level jackets and coats, so nothing with a price tag above $1,200. And if you think this isn’t feasible, think again. Columbia College Student Council can easily reallocate funds from other clubs and programming. No more free New York Times subscriptions? No problem. Missing out on some funding for your club event? You’ll survive. Just think, at least we’ll all have the right logo on our coats. Some readers will think this is a joke, but it’s not. There’s not a whole lot of equity at Columbia, but this is my modest suggestion for how we can improve things––at least on the outside when we’re outside.
Now, if you are already the proud owner of a Canada Goose, you’re probably thinking something like: my daddy didn’t grind away at his finance/law/tech job just for me to wear the same coat as all the middle-class kids. I totally understand. That’s why students like you, who already own a Canada Goose, will be eligible for the Moncler Exchange. This piece of the program is simple; donate your Canada Goose to an underprivileged upper-middle class student who can’t afford one for themselves, and you will be readily furnished with a brand new Moncler (value not to exceed $1,800). After all, fair’s fair; you earned that coat by being nice to your parents, and I don’t want you to lose out on its comparative value.
I’m tired of seeing people walk around campus in clothing not everybody can afford, and I’m especially tired of it being Canada Goose.
Take heed, student councils and student body. The time to end WIF (winter inferiority complex) is here. We need to take bold action to restore equity to our campus. Simply put, we need Canada Goose for everyone.
//DANIEL MEADVIN is a Junior in Columbia College and Editor-in-Chief of The Current. He was a representative on Columbia College Student Council in the spring of 2021 and does not own any Canada Goose apparel. He can be reached at [email protected].
According to Wikipedia: "The Canada goose is a large wild goose with a black head and neck, white cheeks, white under its chin, and a brown body. It is native to the arctic and temperate regions of North America, and it is occasionally found during migration across the Atlantic in northern Europe.” But, far more relevant to us, Canada Goose is also an iconic brand of luxury winter coats.
We can all relate to this experience: trotting onto College Walk on the first really cold day of winter to find a great gaggle of Canada Geese. Some of us dash back to our dorms or apartments, grabbing our own parkas and joining the flock. Others continue somberly to class, braving the chill in our thin, cotton-lined puffers. It’s absurd; it’s unjust; it’s no longer just the international students. Why should some of us wear a $950 dollar piece of functional art while others suffer in a $95 piece of glorified polyester? This is a problem that needs solving, and it needs solving imminently.
Thus, I present my winter proposal to bring back the program that brought us all AirPods, but––this time––with Canada Goose. It’s quite simple: every student who can demonstrate their status as unable to afford a Canada Goose (which, of course, is evident by their not owning a Canada Goose, because anyone who can have a Canada Goose does have a Canada Goose) will be eligible for a free winter coat of that esteemed brand. Don’t think I’m crazy; the proposal in its current iteration would only offer entry-level jackets and coats, so nothing with a price tag above $1,200. And if you think this isn’t feasible, think again. Columbia College Student Council can easily reallocate funds from other clubs and programming. No more free New York Times subscriptions? No problem. Missing out on some funding for your club event? You’ll survive. Just think, at least we’ll all have the right logo on our coats. Some readers will think this is a joke, but it’s not. There’s not a whole lot of equity at Columbia, but this is my modest suggestion for how we can improve things––at least on the outside when we’re outside.
Now, if you are already the proud owner of a Canada Goose, you’re probably thinking something like: my daddy didn’t grind away at his finance/law/tech job just for me to wear the same coat as all the middle-class kids. I totally understand. That’s why students like you, who already own a Canada Goose, will be eligible for the Moncler Exchange. This piece of the program is simple; donate your Canada Goose to an underprivileged upper-middle class student who can’t afford one for themselves, and you will be readily furnished with a brand new Moncler (value not to exceed $1,800). After all, fair’s fair; you earned that coat by being nice to your parents, and I don’t want you to lose out on its comparative value.
I’m tired of seeing people walk around campus in clothing not everybody can afford, and I’m especially tired of it being Canada Goose.
Take heed, student councils and student body. The time to end WIF (winter inferiority complex) is here. We need to take bold action to restore equity to our campus. Simply put, we need Canada Goose for everyone.
//DANIEL MEADVIN is a Junior in Columbia College and Editor-in-Chief of The Current. He was a representative on Columbia College Student Council in the spring of 2021 and does not own any Canada Goose apparel. He can be reached at [email protected].